"Innocence" by Almightysempai The loss of innocence is never a pretty thing. Never. It’s just one of those pieces of yourself that you can never get back, barring amnesia or Alzheimer’s or something else equally undesirable. All that’s left to fill the hole when it’s gone is guilt, and regret for what you might have done differently. And when you meet somebody who still has that spark of naiveté, that beautiful quality untarnished by the evils of the world, it makes you feel that much more vile by comparison. You envy them; you fear for them; you love them for holding onto that hope. TJ couldn’t blame Amal for not getting it. How could he get it? He was Amal, who, even though he’d seen his fair share of the world, had encountered far less of its evils than TJ had. So he’d laughed when TJ had expressed his abhorrence for restraint. He had no way of knowing how deep the sentiment ran, or for what reason. And TJ wasn’t about to tell him. For sure, the past wasn’t an easy thing to remember—TJ had even tried to block parts of it out. But concerning Amal, there was also a new element—the element of shame. Strange. It was a delicate art, revealing little about himself while maintaining a façade of complete openness. TJ had called it ‘verbal sleight of hand’ in his head, though it had long since become automatic to him. But there were always accidents, and the possibility that he’d let something slip. If Amal knew half of what there was to know about TJ, would he still be here, a warm, heavy weight on the mattress beside him? TJ quashed the thought along with the dying embers of his cigarette. Dwelling too long on shit like that made him queasy. There was the present to worry about, like the fact that Providence was drawing ever closer. Why even worry about it at all? Isn’t it a good thing? his brain questioned him. His brain had a point. He’d be free in Providence. Free from everyone, even Amal. It wasn’t a big deal. After all, it wasn’t like he and Amal had anything really serious going on. Was it? TJ was just imagining things. He rolled over, burying his face into the pillow (or was it Amal?) and went to sleep. end